Becoming one of Them

I could never understand why parents could and would suddenly lose their own identity upon having a child.  I would see their Facebook posts: baby pictures, toddler quotes, child achievements, lather, rinses, repeat...and while I would enjoy seeing those things, a part of me would be thinking, "yes, but what did YOU do today?  What's new with YOU?  It's YOUR Facebook page, not your child's." 

I remember going to a bonfire once, and literally every person there was a parent, besides me.  All conversations revolved around their children.  I had nothing to add, and again, would think, where is the person inside this parent?  Do they have interests and lives beyond their children?

And now I have Lily.  And I look at my own Facebook page, scattered with baby pictures and videos and cutesy things she did, and open up my photo stream on my iPhone and see nothing but Lily and I think, "Oh Lord, I have become one of Them."

And I get it now.  I really do.  This little human is the clearest example of a miracle I have ever seen.  Would I rather share the story of the plumber who came to our house smelling like an ashtray and leaving muddy bootprints all over my floors?  Or would I rather talk about how my special little snowflake decided she liked another family better than us at a recent basketball game, and spent a half hour sitting with them, charming them, and playing with the mom's scarf without so much as glancing over at us?  (It was adorable, BTW.)  The answer is clear.

So I started this blog.  This gives me an outlet to talk about my daughter all I want without boring people.  If you are reading this you apparently want to be bored.  Why didn't I think of this 9 months ago?? 

A 9 Month Old Bug

MAH BAYBEE is 9 months old and I am actually starting to forget little things from the newborn era. 

We started calling Lily "Bug" when she was just a couple months old.  It started off being Lily Bug, but quickly became Bug, or sometimes The Bug when we are feeling formal.  I worry when she is older she'll be all like "Natasha's parents call her sweetie, and Lauren's mom calls her honey, and you guys call me BUGGGGG!" so we may have to switch her nickname to something cuter when she gets older.  In the meantime, she is The Bug, which just feels right somehow.

When Lily was still in my tummy and we assumed she would be a boy (three stepsons = I thought BHop only made one kind of kid), we called her Blinkin.  That was due to a late night whisper session when I couldn't sleep.  We were talking about baby names, and Brian suggested Lincoln.  We know someone who just had a boy named Lincoln, so I suggested Benjamin.  Brian then said "We could name him Benjamin Lincoln...and call him Blinkin."  Not sure if it we were just punch drunk from sleepiness or what, but it was hilarious, and we called Lily was Blinkin throughout the pregnancy. 

Anyway, that was a nickname tangent I wasn't planning on...back to today.  She went to the doctor for her 9 month checkup.  I always feel I should come into the office, armed with a numbered list of questions and print-outs decrying vaccinations and promoting co-sleeping, with worries of not enough eating and sleeping and too much pooping and crying...but in reality I just sit back and bask in the perfect normalness of my baby. 

So!  Let's document milestones and other noteables. 

Weight:  17.5 pounds
Height:  29 inches
Skills mastered: Saying mama, dada, crawling, cruising along furniture, eating finger foods, drinking from sippy cup.
Skills NOT mastered:  waving bye-bye, playing patty-cake, etc.  We didn't realize we were meant to be teaching her that!  Whoops.  :)
Eating: Likes to feed herself, and isn't too keen on purees anymore.  Drinks bottles like a champ!
Sleeping:  Sleeps through the night sometimes; most of the time she wakes up once a night to eat.  She is super easy to put down - you just lay her in the crib with Minky (her hot-pink stuffed monkey) and head out.
Cutest thing she is doing:  No matter what, if you say "Say dada, Lily", she'll look at you with a smile and say "mama".

Ninja Mom

4:58 a.m. - I wake up and realize my cell phone (with a 5:00 a.m. alarm scheduled) is not by my bed. I must have left it in Lily's room last night when I was rocking her to sleep! I devise a frantic Mission: Impossible-style undertaking to get the phone before the alarm goes off. Considered entering the room in a silent ninja summersault just to jazz things up a bit, but was worried about red criss-crossing lasers (probably won't be there) and setting off a loud, high-pitched screeching alarm (highly likely to be there). Initial sweep of the room came up empty. Did another frantic search. Still nothing. Left the room, dejected. Alarm started going off, phone was found inside my own pillowcase. (WTH?) Mission: Successful Enough.

Little Pink Line

For a while, BHop and I didn't think we'd be able to have a baby.  However, being an eternal optimist, I would often imagine us clasping hands, our eyes eagerly gazing at the test, waiting for that second little pink line to appear.  Getting teary-eyed when it finally did just that.

 

Other times I would imagine me finding out on my own, and then coming up with a cute, unique, and/or elaborate way to tell him the good news.  I'd play out all these different scenarios in my head each month.  Maybe a scavenger hunt?  Nonchalantly wear a Baby on Board shirt?  Give him a picture frame with a picture of the pregnancy test inside? 

 

In reality, what happened was:  I took a home pregnancy test completely on a whim one afternoon.  I was crampy and not feeling so good.  I remembered I had a test in the bathroom and figured, eh, I could use a break from work (I work from home), so why not take it?  

 

I didn't think anything would actually show up!  I mean, after 13 months of no second little pink lines, why should one show up this time?  And yet it did.  I remember the complete shock of seeing that second line appear on the pregnancy test.  I started shaking terribly!  My mind was racing.  What do I do?  What do I do?  AHHH!

 

I hurriedly texted BHop and was all "I miss you!  You should come home from work early!"  He actually had the nerve to reply that he might be late coming home.  SAY WHAT!?  Couldn't he sense from my text that it was imperative he come home right away?  It was 2:00.  He wouldn't be home until about 4:00.  Could I just text him the news?  Should I call and blurt it out?  What about driving to his office?  How can I wait two hours??

 

When BHop finally got home, our Chihuahua Capone ran out to the kitchen to greet him.  I heard BHop say to Capone "Where's your mom?  I'm gonna kick her butt!"  (I promise he was joking :) )  I came out and said "You can't kick my butt" as I gave him a hug and kiss.  He asked why not, and I said "Because I'm pregnant".  

 

We had to go several rounds of "NUH UH!"  "YES HUH!"  "Seriously?"  "Yup."  "No way!"  He was grinning ear to ear the whole time.  I showed him the test.  We kissed and hugged and laughed and shed a tear, all while talking about how our little pink line was the cutest little pink line ever.  

 

It was perfect, just like our little pink line.

 



Lily's Birth Story

I'm pretty sure I was more scared of childbirth than anyone else on the planet ever has been or ever will be.  Truly, I was hoping for a C-section because I just had no idea how I was meant to get that out of there. 

But at 2:45 a.m. on May 16th, at 38 weeks pregnant, my water broke in a dramatic I-thought-that-only-happened-in-the-movies fashion and it was official - one way or the other, I was having a baby!  And then I remembered:  my doctor was on vacation. 

Brian immediately leapt into action, eating a granola bar with one hand, leaving the boys a note with the other, telling me to hurry up.  I was decidedly slower.  I tried to eat something but was too nervous to do so.  I dithered back and forth on what to wear.  Eventually, we were on our way!

The car ride seemed a bit surreal.  I was sitting on a towel because I was leaking water everywhere.  It was 3:30 a.m. and the roads were empty.  I felt the baby squirming around and saw my tummy jump and twitch. 

We got to the hospital shortly after every pregnant woman in the area showed up.  Which meant all their rooms were full.  And all their triage beds.  So, I was in a makeshift triage room-slash-closet.  For. Five. Hours.

The nurse assigned to me asked me why I was there. 

Me:  Um...I'm in...labor?   Brian nods encouragingly.

Nurse:  What makes you think you are in labor?

Me:  My water broke.

Nurse:  Are you sure?

Me:  *literally a pool of water at my feet*   Yup.

Despite the Amniotic Fluid River flowing down the hallway, they needed to test me to ensure my water did indeed break.  Also despite the Amniotic Fluid River, and the fact that I knew, knew, KNEW my water broke, I nervously awaited the results like maybe this isn't my water breaking and I will actually be peeing myself like this for the next two weeks of pregnancy.  Thankfully, the test came back positive. 

After that test, we were left alone in our cozy closet room. 

Except medical professionals kept dashing in and out.  No, not to check on me; good Lord no - they were too busy for that!  But to grab blankets and hospital gowns and blood pressure armband thingies, etc. 

After a while they started asking "You're still in here?" which then morphed into a worried "Does anyone know you are here?" 

Eventually they moved me to a real room, and told me they wanted to start me on Pitocin.  I wasn't progressing at all, and since my water broke at home, I had 24-hours to deliver the baby due to fear of infection.  Pitocin began, and I sat on a birthing ball.  After an hour or so, my hips really started hurting so we walked around.  After every loop we made, the nurse would increase my Pitocin "just a smidge" - well, those smidges added up and within a couple hours, I was in agony.  Nothing helped, and every so often we would notice Lily's heart rate would slow down.  Like, a lot. 

The nurses explained this was somewhat normal with the intensity of the contractions.  Eventually my contractions were so bad, and were so close together, that Lily's heart stopped completely.  I'll never forget the feeling of complete panic when about 7 medical professionals came running into the room when that monitor fell silent.  They got her heart going again by having me move to different positions and giving me a shot to stop the Pitocin from working.  At that point I was 9.5 centimeters dilated and 100% effaced. 

Aaaaand my labor stalled out.

So, back to the Pitocin again! 

Around that time, I was told my doctor's backup (his partner at his practice) was also not going to be able to deliver the baby.  He was delivering another baby, at another hospital.  In walks an ancient Indian woman who simply poked around for a moment, proclaimed "I do not like. Caesarean."  Um, OK? 

The nurses shooed her away, saying they knew I could deliver the baby naturally.  Once she was gone, the nurse who will be forever known by me as "My Favorite Nurse" confided "I just wish we could deliver your baby ourselves."  My mom whispered to me "That doctor scares me."  Brian said "Wow, she's horrible."  I think I just whimpered.  My Favorite Nurse told me she was meant to get off work at 4:00, but she was sticking around until the baby was born because she was just so excited for us.   

Eventually it was time to push.  After about 15 minutes, I started to really get the hang of it.  The nurses kept telling me how awesome I was doing, and that the baby should be here in "1 hour...2, tops."  I looked at the time and it was exactly 5:00 p.m.  That means by 7 p.m. I'll have met my daughter!  I was so excited!

Brian was on my left hand side, and was amazing.  He kept music playing for me, and would feed me ice chips and put a wet washcloth on my forehead.  He was so encouraging and loving and kept me focused.  My mom was on my right side.  I didn't expect her to be there.  I assumed I wouldn't want anyone in the room but Brian, and also assumed she wouldn't want to be in the room anyway.  When I had Lasik eye surgery about 15 years ago, she was crying in the waiting room over it.  When I had blood drawn during my pregnancy, I returned to the waiting room to see her with her eyes closed, praying for me.  She does not handle doctors, hospitals, or me being in pain very well.  Yet she never left my side.  She would rub my back and play with my hair, just like she did when I was young.  It was so soothing and I am so grateful she was in the room. 

The labor was rough.  Horrifyingly rough.  I vomited because of the pain, Lily ended up getting herself in a weird horizontal position and was stuck. They tried to re-position her but it didn't work.  They screwed some kind of monitor into Lily's skull while she was still inside me.  I was pushing in a ton of different positions, and one of the positions gave me a horrible Charley horse.  (Seriously, anyone who can give birth while standing up is either a freak or a superhuman.) 

Every so often, the medical staff would walk a few steps away from me and whisper to each other.  I could see shrugged shoulders and worried eyes and I finally said, "It freaks me out when you guys whisper to each other - just tell me what's going on."  Of course nobody listened to me.  :)

Finally, Scary Doctor suggested she use forceps to get Lily out.  I opened my mouth to say ok, when my favorite nurse caught my eye and mouthed the word "no".  So without thinking, I simply said "no".  Scary Doctor tried to talk me into it.  I just kept saying no. 

I finally agreed for them to use a vacuum, which another doctor had to use as Scary Doctor was not as skilled with it.  We used the vacuum considerably longer than we were meant to.  Every time they kept saying, "This is it!  This is it!"  I'm an optimist, but after a while even I quit believing them. 

Finally, I just said I couldn't do it anymore, I was done...I was so exhausted and nothing was happening.  The doctor said, "One more push...you're going to deliver your daughter this time."  I said "I've been hearing that for hours now."  Everyone started yelling push, push!  So I did.

After 19 hours of labor, with over 5 hours of pushing, a 4th-degree tear and a broken tailbone, Lillian Mae finally made her appearance.  Her cry!  Oh, her cry was so beautiful.  They laid her on my chest and Brian cut the cord.

The very first thing the nurses did was put a hat on her & told us to keep it on her.  Brian told me later that he thinks they were so quick with the hat, and wanted us to leave it on, because she was a cone-head because they used the vacuum on her for so long. 

My only "labor plan" was to hold Lily skin-to-skin upon birth.  But immediately after Brian cut the cord, Scary Doctor picked Lily up and started walking off with her.  A nurse had to forcefully take Lily out of her arms and bring her back to me so I could continue to hold her. 

Once she was in my arms, I started whispering to her.  "Oh, it was you.  It was you who was in my belly this whole time.  I'm so happy to meet you."  I just wanted to stare and study every feature of her and memorize the details.  She was and is so beautiful. 

Lily quit crying within just a couple minutes.  She remained very alert and was busy taking everything in. 

They let me hold Lily for a long time while still in the delivery room - over an hour.  During that time Brian went out to the waiting room to tell my dad, brother, sister-in-law, and oldest stepson Ian that Lily arrived.

My dad and Ian come in the room.  One of my favorite memories is, Ian came straight over to me and asked me if I was alright.  He told me he had the worst headache - he had been in the waiting room since 3:30 pm, too worried to eat.  That meant so much to me; he came right after school and waited 7 hours to meet his baby sister!  After he made sure I was OK, he held Lily and we all watched as they weighed and measured her.

Eventually, it was time to move us out of labor & delivery.  Mom, Dad, and Ian left.  By that time, it was almost midnight.  All that was left were me, my amazing husband, and our beautiful newborn daughter.  We ordered hamburgers from the room service menu, and as we waited for our first real food in over 30 hours, we talked about every single blessed minute of the labor as though it hadn't just happened mere moments ago; we joked about the nurses who kept complimenting me on how white my socks were, and the intern who sat in on the birth and who may never become a doctor now that he witnessed this delivery.  And eventually, after we were done eating, our eyes started to drift shut.  Brian fell asleep on the cot and I fought sleep for as long as I could because I really, truly couldn't take my eyes off of this baby. 

 

 

Noteables:
Date:      Friday 5/16/14
Time:     10:12 p.m.
Length:  18.5 inches
Weight:  5 pounds, 13 ounces
Birthmarks:  Her right arm from wrist to elbow has the cutest light-colored birthmark.  Makes her arm look tie-dyed.   :)